So I haven't written in awhile.... oh well? I miss writing, but then again, I really do have better things to do.

Life has been pretty much the same. But like one long weekend. I miss school. But only because I miss seeing Chris every day. ...I can't believe that I'm already a junior. It's so fucking scary.

Chris and I see each other every few days. I miss him. So much. I wish I could spend every single moment with him. I'm so ready to commit the rest of my life to him. I couldn't be any more in love. I hope it never falls.

I've hung out with April a few times this week. She has her license now. (I REALLY NEED TO GET MY LICENSE!!!!!!!!) It's been fun to see her again. I slept over her house the night before last. It was fun.

There's this new guy in town. His name is Steve. He just moved here from Washington. He's 16, but he's only going to be a sophomore. He's gorgeous. Totally sexy, model material. BUT there is no way that I can be attracted to him. His teeth need to get fixed, he needs to shower, and he talks like a hick. He's got that dumb country boy attitude, and it drives me nuts. The good thing about him.. he makes Chris jealous as hell.

Making Chris jealous is the best part about hanging out with other guys. I don't make him jealous to be mean, but it's just a way to be sure that he still cares. It makes me feel good when he worries about other guys. It makes me feel really good, because it makes me feel loved.

In my real journal entry, I wrote a whole bunch here about my day with Chris, and about a bunch of other stuff. But I'm leaving it all out. I don't feel comfortable posting all of those thoughts and facts.

I miss Chris a lot. He gave my his shirt today, so I could have something that smelt like him. And he took mine.

I'm pretty sure he's in love with me. But I don't want to say anything.. jinx it, or get my hopes up, or something like that.

I hate the way that he means so much to me though, and I hate the way that I've fallen into the trap of thinking that we're going to be together forever. I've tried so hard to stay away from thinking that! We all know this. Oh well, I've fallen already, so theirs no use in trying to steer away from it now. I hate it though. I mean, I LOVE thinking about us marrying and having kids.. but I just hate that I'll get disapointed. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF IT REALLY HAPPENING? So yeah. :( I wish that it could happen.

I find myself about to kill myself every now and then (damn depression) .. but then I realize I don't want to die, because I have so much to look forward to in life. I imagine my future. And then I realize what I'm imagining.. Chris and me married, Chris and me having babies. This isn't really going to be my future! So why is it that I stay alive for it? I can't see myself ever loving anybody else, not the way that I love him, not as much as I love him. How could I spend the rest of my life with anybody but him? I just don't see it happening. I only see myself with him. He's the only one I want.